A screen time agreement for couples, and how to use it

An unwritten rule gets renegotiated every time it is inconvenient, which is every time it matters. A written one gets renegotiated once, deliberately, in daylight.

It also moves the argument. Instead of you against them at eleven at night, it is both of you against a thing you agreed to in a better mood. That is a much easier room to be in.

Copy this, delete what does not apply, fill in the blanks together. Do it in one sitting.

• The hours. Phones are away from ____ to ____ on ____.
• The rooms. No phones at the table, and none in the bedroom after ____.
• The exceptions. On call for work, a family member unwell, travelling. Named in advance, not argued for in the moment.
• The apps. ____ and ____ are the ones that take the evening. Everything else stays.
• The ask. If one of us wants out early, we ask the other, and the other can say no.
• The out. Either of us can open everything immediately in an emergency, without asking. It gets mentioned afterwards, and that is all.
• The review. We look at this again on ____ and change whatever is not working.

Nearly every agreement that falls apart is missing one of these.

• Who is allowed to say no, and what happens when they do. If saying no is treated as an insult, nobody will.
• An emergency route that needs nobody's permission. Without it, the whole thing is unsafe and both of you know it.
• A review date. A rule with no expiry becomes a rule you resent.
• What happens after a breach. Decide it now, when it is hypothetical and neither of you is defensive.

Most agreements are written as though both people have the same problem to the same degree. Often they do not, and pretending otherwise makes the agreement weaker.

If one of you is the one who scrolls, say so. An agreement where one person holds the other's limits is not unequal, it is accurate, and it will hold better than a symmetrical one that both of you quietly stop keeping.

Everything above is a promise. Promises between two adults who like each other are worth something, and they are also the first thing to go on a hard evening.

The clause worth enforcing with software is the ask: the apps are blocked during the agreed hours, and getting out early means a request the other person can turn down. The rest can stay on paper.